A GOOD YEAR: Happily ever after

I'm sitting here reflecting on the last year and trying to figure out how to summarize 365 days that encompass such profound change for me. In re-reading my first blog post from July 2, 2013 it seems like I nervously hit "post" on Facebook last week and at the same time, it feels a lifetime ago.

I began this journey because I noticed myself getting out of breath going up a flight of stairs. After talking more with Beth about the program I realized that I had some additional goals if I was really going to do this: I wanted to get physically and mentally stronger. I wanted to eat food that gave me energy instead of making me lethargic. I wanted to feel less anxious and get over my depression. And ultimately, I wanted to find new ways to enjoy life and relase stress.

To be honest, I didn't really feel like all that was possible. The world was a pretty dark place to me and setting and achieving goals of any sort seemed like a long shot. Knowing that was at the back of my mind going into this program, I am even prouder of what I achieved. I'm immensely pleased to announce that since this adventure began last July I've lost 34 pounds. That translated to 2.5 inches from my bust, 3.5 inches from my waist, 1.25 inches from my arms, 4 inches from my hips, 1.5 inches from my leg, and 2.5 inches from my chest. I've gone from buying size 18 pant at Lane Bryant to size 14 petite jeans at Banana Republic. Being able to find a size that fit me at a regular store is seriously one of the greatest moments I've ever had. I can't put into words how freeing that felt.

Before (July 2013) and After (July 2014)

 

Key non-scale victories I've achieved include:

• Discovering the benefits of strength training: Lifting weights has helped me get smaller but also given me new power and ultimately helped heal my back pain.
• Moving more easily: I picked up a 20lb bag recently and it was heavy. Then I started thinking about how hard my body would have had to work to lug around those 34 pounds last year. It is no wonder getting up the stairs was hard work! It is uplifting to think about how much better I can move with that weight off my shoulders... literally.
• Realizing that what I eat impacts more than just my weight: A few months ago I cut my sugar intake back significantly and stopped eating processed foods. This would have seemed impossible a year ago. I went from eating ice cream with Cool Whip on it every night to making green smoothies. I make almost all of my meals from scratch and read lables obsessively. While eliminating sugar from my diet is still a struggle, I've seen a tremendous drop in my anxiety and a lightening of the depression from limiting myself to whole, healthy foods.   
• Exercising because it makes me feel good: Working out is a critical part of my day. I feel so much happier and less stressed when I go to the gym or go walking and I genuinely enjoy it. I like having time in my own head walking, on the elliptical, or riding the bike, and listening to good music. It helps me feel calm and relaxed and just happy.
• Sobering up: It turns out I don't mix well with alcohol and while I could write an entire year-long blog on that topic, there is already a great blog post you may have seen that sums up my feelings so eloquently. But suffice it to say that I have gone a year without a drink and feel dramatically better.

When I wrote that first blog post, I secretly hoped that this post - my "after" - would be like The Biggest Loser and I'd be showing off my tiny new physique as though my life was a montage set to upbeat music where everything works out in the end. And while I'm very proud of my weight loss, the dramatic reveal is really comprised more by changes you can't see on the outside: I've grieved for the way I thought my life would turn out. I've let go of a lot of anger and am working to forgive myself for the decisions I made and the hurt I caused others. I've sought enlightenment and levity as I work to overcome my personal obstacles. I've discovered that tiny miracles everywhere and realized we often don't see them until much further down our path. And I've found gratitude for the people in my life who took me in, propped me up, talked me down, and got me out of the house when I needed them to. I'm blessed with friendships that have lasted more than 20 years and extended family that supported me regardless of how long I'd been away.

Time heals old wounds is an old adage that has really held true for me. But the expression implies that healing just happens. It doesn't account for all the hard work and perseverence it takes to keep from growing hard and bitter when things get really tough. I'm grateful for the opportunity to share my hard work and perseverence with you as I worked through a tough period.

This isn't the end of my story, though. Everything isn't perfect and I'm not riding off into a happily ever after. It turns out that doesn't exist. My back pain still flares up. I still struggle to reign in my eating. I get massive sugar cravings. I am an emotional eater and my portions need to be smaller if I want to get past the plateau my weight has settled into. Even eating healthy food still needs to be done in moderation and that's not easy for me.

Me still having problems is actually good news because it means that Beth has invited me to contribute on a more regular basis going forward! I'll be trying to solve my pain issues, testing new recipes, trying new fitness classes (please God not the aeriel dance again!) So, keep an eye out for my new posts that will be under the banner of "A GOOD LIFE" and keep an eye out for the inaugural blog of my successor. He is someone I don't know very well but already feel a strong kinship!

Cathy