A GOOD YEAR: Happily ever after

I'm sitting here reflecting on the last year and trying to figure out how to summarize 365 days that encompass such profound change for me. In re-reading my first blog post from July 2, 2013 it seems like I nervously hit "post" on Facebook last week and at the same time, it feels a lifetime ago.

I began this journey because I noticed myself getting out of breath going up a flight of stairs. After talking more with Beth about the program I realized that I had some additional goals if I was really going to do this: I wanted to get physically and mentally stronger. I wanted to eat food that gave me energy instead of making me lethargic. I wanted to feel less anxious and get over my depression. And ultimately, I wanted to find new ways to enjoy life and relase stress.

To be honest, I didn't really feel like all that was possible. The world was a pretty dark place to me and setting and achieving goals of any sort seemed like a long shot. Knowing that was at the back of my mind going into this program, I am even prouder of what I achieved. I'm immensely pleased to announce that since this adventure began last July I've lost 34 pounds. That translated to 2.5 inches from my bust, 3.5 inches from my waist, 1.25 inches from my arms, 4 inches from my hips, 1.5 inches from my leg, and 2.5 inches from my chest. I've gone from buying size 18 pant at Lane Bryant to size 14 petite jeans at Banana Republic. Being able to find a size that fit me at a regular store is seriously one of the greatest moments I've ever had. I can't put into words how freeing that felt.

Before (July 2013) and After (July 2014)

 

Key non-scale victories I've achieved include:

• Discovering the benefits of strength training: Lifting weights has helped me get smaller but also given me new power and ultimately helped heal my back pain.
• Moving more easily: I picked up a 20lb bag recently and it was heavy. Then I started thinking about how hard my body would have had to work to lug around those 34 pounds last year. It is no wonder getting up the stairs was hard work! It is uplifting to think about how much better I can move with that weight off my shoulders... literally.
• Realizing that what I eat impacts more than just my weight: A few months ago I cut my sugar intake back significantly and stopped eating processed foods. This would have seemed impossible a year ago. I went from eating ice cream with Cool Whip on it every night to making green smoothies. I make almost all of my meals from scratch and read lables obsessively. While eliminating sugar from my diet is still a struggle, I've seen a tremendous drop in my anxiety and a lightening of the depression from limiting myself to whole, healthy foods.   
• Exercising because it makes me feel good: Working out is a critical part of my day. I feel so much happier and less stressed when I go to the gym or go walking and I genuinely enjoy it. I like having time in my own head walking, on the elliptical, or riding the bike, and listening to good music. It helps me feel calm and relaxed and just happy.
• Sobering up: It turns out I don't mix well with alcohol and while I could write an entire year-long blog on that topic, there is already a great blog post you may have seen that sums up my feelings so eloquently. But suffice it to say that I have gone a year without a drink and feel dramatically better.

When I wrote that first blog post, I secretly hoped that this post - my "after" - would be like The Biggest Loser and I'd be showing off my tiny new physique as though my life was a montage set to upbeat music where everything works out in the end. And while I'm very proud of my weight loss, the dramatic reveal is really comprised more by changes you can't see on the outside: I've grieved for the way I thought my life would turn out. I've let go of a lot of anger and am working to forgive myself for the decisions I made and the hurt I caused others. I've sought enlightenment and levity as I work to overcome my personal obstacles. I've discovered that tiny miracles everywhere and realized we often don't see them until much further down our path. And I've found gratitude for the people in my life who took me in, propped me up, talked me down, and got me out of the house when I needed them to. I'm blessed with friendships that have lasted more than 20 years and extended family that supported me regardless of how long I'd been away.

Time heals old wounds is an old adage that has really held true for me. But the expression implies that healing just happens. It doesn't account for all the hard work and perseverence it takes to keep from growing hard and bitter when things get really tough. I'm grateful for the opportunity to share my hard work and perseverence with you as I worked through a tough period.

This isn't the end of my story, though. Everything isn't perfect and I'm not riding off into a happily ever after. It turns out that doesn't exist. My back pain still flares up. I still struggle to reign in my eating. I get massive sugar cravings. I am an emotional eater and my portions need to be smaller if I want to get past the plateau my weight has settled into. Even eating healthy food still needs to be done in moderation and that's not easy for me.

Me still having problems is actually good news because it means that Beth has invited me to contribute on a more regular basis going forward! I'll be trying to solve my pain issues, testing new recipes, trying new fitness classes (please God not the aeriel dance again!) So, keep an eye out for my new posts that will be under the banner of "A GOOD LIFE" and keep an eye out for the inaugural blog of my successor. He is someone I don't know very well but already feel a strong kinship!

Cathy

Heart, Soul, and Body

I am so lucky to have met this guest blogger.  Darci has a fierce passion for running, and it has helped reignite my passion for running, which has been a touch and go relationship since an accident last year. Although I am so sorry an injury steered her my way, I am grateful to have been touched by her infectious desire to run. Darci is training for an upcoming half and will run in the mother of all relays, Hood to Coast, in August.

A few weeks ago, well 7 weeks, 4 days and 13 hours ago, I was told by a doctor that I may never be able to run again. I was diagnosed with unexplained, sudden onset peroneal nerve dysfunction. Or drop foot. Essentially it meant that I couldn’t flex my foot up or to the side, so walking was tricky and running, skipping, jumping were mostly impossible. I spent many hours in the emergency room, ruling out things that sound as awful as they are in real life, and  was told I was fit as a fiddle…well, except for this one little nerve that turned itself off for some unknown reason. I was handed a boot to help me walk and, with the tip of their hat, they sent me home to ponder my new life.

 

Let me back up. I am a runner. I am not a great runner, but in my book, anyone who runs a mile, on purpose and not because they are being chased down, is a runner. I run every day. For me, running is my breath. It is my space. It is the beginning of my day. It is the mirror that I hold up to myself every morning. Over the years I have become addicted to it in the way that one would feel addicted to a beloved spouse. I have measured my life and personal development and growth through miles and PRs and number of races run. I have spent hours with myself in the rain and the sun and the darkness of night. I know myself through running and I have found peace inside my own brain and wandering mind as my legs wander the streets and paths that have become a second home to me.

 

I love running.

 

And a doctor proclaimed, with a sad shake of his head and eyes that told me that he didn’t understand my love, that it was highly likely I would not be running for at least a year, if not ever.

 

So home I went to ponder.

 

And the truth is, even when my foot refused to flex, I just didn’t believe it.

 

My foot was partially paralyzed for sure. The universe had spoken. It had given me some message. It had taken running from me. But let’s be clear. In the grand scheme of things, it wasn’t all that dramatic. I could drive, I could clean my house, I could work, I could take the kids to soccer practice. Basically the universe had not taken anything away from me. Except the thing I loved the most. The thing I needed the most. Don’t get me wrong, I love my husband and kids. I need my husband and kids. I also love and need my parents, and chocolate chip cookies. But running. Well, running is me. And it was gone.

 

But the truth is, even when my toes refused to wiggle, I just didn’t believe it.

 

I have always had the attitude that if I wanted something, or if I made a plan, I could make it happen. I could will it to happen. I could move forward with my plans and expectations for my life with little regard to the forces at play. I have given up stability and moved to foreign lands on a whim. I have started private practices. I have jumped out of planes. I have run half marathons while injured, while sick with the flu. I have run countless miles with a broken bone in my foot. I can make a decision and will it to be. Mind over body. Mind over matter. Mind over reality. I was, essentially, all in my head.

 

The truth is that this mirror I was holding up to myself every morning may have brought me a form of inner wisdom and peace, but it wasn’t a full-length mirror. I never looked at the full picture.

 

It was time to step back. Take a broader look. Actually consider my full self, perhaps for the first time. My left peroneal nerve, one teeny tiny little nerve said “Hey you up there, you, the one stuck in your head. Look down here. Look at your body. It matters.”

 

So while I didn’t believe it, I also finally found a profound understanding of the fact that my body is real. And it’s connected to my brain. And it will not be ignored. It is complex and complicated and deserves as much love and attention and respect as my thoughts, my heart and my soul.

 

So this time, I listened to my will and my heart and my body. I knew I would run again. But I knew I couldn’t just will myself to do it. I had to actually become one with my own body. I had to look in the full-length mirror. For real.

 

So I took a deep breath. I found the right people to work with me. I listened to them. I listened to my body. I trusted myself and my body and my mind.

 

And I am running again. I did my first run, 2 miles, exactly 3 weeks to the day of my diagnosis. And now, 7 weeks and 4 days later, I am almost back up to my pre-injury mileage. And I feel great.

 

Running has again become my space, my breath, my respite from a busy life. It has again become the mirror that I hold up to myself every morning, but now it is a full-length mirror. It not only shows me where I am mentally and emotionally, but where I am physically. I am learning to be a keen observer of my body in the same way I was to my mind.  

 

And now I know a deeper truth about my life. I can’t just will things, or myself, to do something. It takes more than that. Yes, will is important. But so is listening to your gut, to your instincts, to your body, to your left peroneal nerve. Drive is important, but so are the people that you chose to put in your life. Heart and soul are crucial, but they are nothing without the body. I need all three. And I need all three, not just to run around the block or run the next marathon, I need all three to be present as a partner and a mom and a psychologist and a friend. I need all three to truly thrive in my life. It doesn’t mean I will always feel great or that all three will be pain free. But the path, the work, is to strive for balance. To listen to the quiet signs (and the not-so-quiet signs) that each part brings to the picture.

 

I run because I can. I run because I must. I run because I am.

 

My sincerest gratitude to Beth Trimark, Physical Therapist and Personal Trainer, for listening to my heart and body and helping me do the same.  

Pac Crest Race Report

Race List this year:
March 16 - Shamrock Run 8K: DONE!
April 6th - Beaver Freezer Duathlon - 12 mile bike, 3 mile run : DONE!
May- might have to look for a 10K in here. I had lots of stuff to do this month, including 2 vacations and a little cold. Glad in retrospect no races here.
June 7th - Blue Lake Sprint Triathlon: DONE!
June 15th - Hagg Lake Olympic Distance Swim: DONE!
June 27th - Pacific Crest Triathlon Olympic Distance Triathlon: DONE!
And I planned out the rest of my summer-ish...
July 20 Girlfiends and Dudes Sprint Tri
August 2 Wahine All Women's Triathlon
August 9 Huckleberry Half and 10K- running the 10K!
September and beyond unknown!

I did the Pacific Crest Olympic Triathlon last weekend Sunday!  SO many learning points!

This race is gorgeous, set in and around Sunriver, Oregon, near Bend.  This area is so yummy for your eyes, the Sisters, Mount Bachelor, and all the beauty the high desert holds.  It is a part of a mega weekend of events.  There are two days of events: s a kids tri (think bounce house, run through pool, bike and run, very fun!), a long distance tri (half iron man), a marathon, a half marathon, 5K, 10K, and 2 supported bike rides, phew!

Before I left, I made an all inclusive list, I did not want to get there and not have my gear.

BIG LIST 

In our crew, we had Ryan, rocking a half marathon in 2:08 minutes, AT ELEVATION! He accomplished that feat on Saturday.  That's less than a ten minute mile...awesome. And myself, Emily, and Danielle all took part in the Olympic Triathlon.  AND not to forget the fearless littles, Etta and Sarah did the kids tri!  Also new-to-me-friend Mike was ready to shred the Oly too.

Let's start at Saturday night, Danielle, Emily and I packed up our gear, going piece by piece through every leg of the race, packing all the required equipment we would need.  Typically, there is one spot for transitions in a triathlon but sometimes there is two.  The latter is the case for the PAC CREST Triathlon.

Danielle had the great idea to pack two bags in the morning, one for each site, so it was a no-brainer come morning times.

We also agreed to head out a bit earlier this year,  we got to the water just in time last year to set up and Emily had to immediately hit the water!

My Goals:

1. Prep body with rolling out after car ride to Sunriver - done
2. Be prepared by packing all items - done
3. Get there early so have time to sun lube, set-up - done, still got burned to hell
4. Shave some time off swim - DONE!
5. Shave some time off bike - DONE!
6. Except whatever happens on the run - it was a toughy.  Still in the accepting process.

I have said this before, but I set lots of goals.  I met so many! And they were reasonable based on my training and how things were going.  These are all really relevant to me;  it is essential that I loosen up my body, and pre-pack.  Day of race, my brain is also racing and I need that day to be as automatic as possible.

This year, I estimated my miraculous-do-no-wrong-running-goes-so-well time (11 min mile) at 3 hours 33 minutes, my long-end-of-things prediction being to beat last years time of 3 hours 58 minutes.  I ended up with an overall time of 3:53.39. I will take it!

Here's how it all went down:

We got up early! And we were so prepared, a quick efficient dolling out of our goods at T2, then Ryan, having raced the day before, shuttled us to the start.  T2 is transition 2 where you stow your bike and lace up your trainers.

T2, or transition 2, where we will dismount our bikes, and switch to running shoes.

Here is my little nest, I put down a towel and weirdly have two pairs of running shoes.

I changed shoes and socks, my feet get so cold on the bike ride I am experimenting with how to make the bike to run transition better.

I didn't know which pair I would go with...I have been having such a hard time with my feet, I WAS going to wear my old "high heeled" running shoes because they had been the best option post bike ride during my last triathlon.  On the Friday before the race,  the toes box started seriously hurting my pinky toe on my last pre-race run.

I brought my two newest pairs, never had much running in them.  It is highly NOT RECOMMENDED to try something new on your race day.  I just new that I couldn't use my oldies and have a happy day.   I'd rather walk it all and not crowd my feet.  I ended up running in my Altras to the left and my feet felt great!

From here, we enjoyed the drive to the reservoir.  It takes a solid 30 minutes to get there, plan on that!  

You also had to jam all your gear into your bag before heading out on the bike.

Transition one, after the swim, you strip your wetsuit (I like to sit on my bucket), dab a bit of water off, helmet and shoes and sunnies on and roll out on your bike.  I usually have two towels.  One for my nest and another for a quicky post-swim wipe down.

Once we were all set it was time to put on wetsuits, and get warmed up in the water, which is a bit of  an oxymoron since the water was about 64 degrees.

The swim went off in waves, and this year Emily, Mike, and Danielle were also in my age group.

Das Schwimmen: .9 miles = 34 minutes 42 seconds

This is the first time I suited up and felt none, no internal wiggles at the swim.   Not sure if that was because my friend, Emily, was there and we were being silly right up until the start, or comfort from experience.

This also was what I had been practicing since February for...to come out of the water less traumatized and more able to get at it on the bike and run.

I have been in the pool and open water more this year than any other year of triathlizing since 2003. And I started right in the mix, looking to battle for position and hang with the big kids.  Last year I swam it in 38:03, this year I pulled in at 34:42.  That was a super duper win.  I am very pumped about this shift!

I ACTUALLY passed people!

Passed them, schwoop!  Oh, I was still passed and swam over too, but what a thrill to not just survive the swim but thrive a bit.

Check this out if you can see, Emily and Danielle shaved loads of time off last year as well! Danielle's time is not picture here but she tore it up, finishing in 3 hours and 5 minutes!  She was in the top 15 of our age group!

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OHHH, Das Biking: 28 miles = 1 hour 50 minutes 20 seconds

This bike course is no-jokesters.  The first 14 miles are a series of ups ups ups and also up, did I mention the climbs?  And just to keep it fun, mile 12 to 13 is a one mile climb!  Then reward city, ripping 30-34 miles an hour downhill!

Last year I held down a 14.3 mph average, and this year 15.6 mile per hour.  I like it!

Last year, (My First Olympic Triathlon) I had done a sprint triathlon the week before and felt pretty tired at the start...and it was 95 plus degrees in the high desert.  That was a test of mental and physical  power.  I also noted to taper harder in that post, should have reread that post prior to this one!

This year, I trained per my coaches directions, and did a decent ride the weekend before, 28 miles, and another 13 miles the Tuesday before.  I really wanted to follow my coaches instructions to the "T" this year.  I am so grateful for the coaching from Shawn Bostad at Upper Echelon fitness.  He has a wealth of experience, and endless encouragement.  During group workouts, I would hit a wall or feel downtrodden or frustrated at being at the back of the pack and he always picked me up.

I totally shaved 6 minutes off the previous year's time.  I did do a lot more hill training this year and a lot more long rides and I think this is where I squeaked out a little more speed.

I did have a bit of a mechanical issue on the downhill.  I could not shift into my big wheel as my bike is over ten years old and just could not get the derailier to do it's thing with the intense vibration.  Some sections of the road are rough.  Not full of potholes but the asphalt is older and sits in the desert sun daily.  I am not sure how much faster I could have gone if the shifting was going better.

I once again felt pretty tired at the start of the bike and kinda demolished at the run start.

Hmmmmm, IF I do this race next year, I am going to taper much harder, and maybe go up a few days before, versus a day and a half.  I also just couldn't nutrition up really well on the bike, my tummy just wasn't having it.  Next time I would push food in the mouth hole and get it down regardless of what my stomach thought.

The Runner: 6.2 = 1 hour 20 minutes

My friend Emily, so kindly hovered in T2 area, thinking maybe we would enjoy the run together.  I already knew as I dismounted my bike this was going to be a tough run.  I was so tired in my leggies.

We walked out of T2 after running past families to high five, and I had just a scooch of the prior issues I had in the last couple races (see Beaver Freezer Duathlon,  Blue Lake Triathlon) with the foot ache.  The new wider bike shoes have been key in solving that issue.

Emily looked good, felt good and went ahead.  My legs were scrambled.  I knew I had to just put keep moving for the next hour or so.

I didn't have a treasure trove of successful runs to lean on, but I knew I would finish.  I made tiny goals, "run until the next cross walk", "walk the hill, run the downhill".

I did my best and walked ran the next 6.2 miles, just slowly peeling off the miles.  I ended up being 5 minutes slower this year.  I would mwah mwah that one BUT it's not a huge surprise for me.  I transitioned to a zero drop shoe this year, lost a lot of muscle, gained 15 pounds, and have had really up and down showings with the run.  During my training runs, I have had to skip some workouts and straight up run less frequently because of ouchies in the feet.

I am so happy to feel truly recovered from my car accident.

And how could I mwah mwah when I kicked some booty cheeks on the swim and the bike? And I KNEW coming into this one, the run would be a question mark.

I FINISHED and look at my buddies helping me towards the finish line!

I didn't know they were gonna boost me but I SO appreciated it!

That was my big tri for the year, I have a couple more sprints and running races planned but my next phase is to shine up my running AND PUT ON SOME MUSCLE!

Endurance training is great, but I am more interested in adding muscles, and would rather put time into that sector of life.

And shake off the 15 pounds I put on since last year.

IF YOU ARE CONSIDERING THE PAC CREST TRI, know this:

1. It's at an elevation of about 4,000 feet, and it might behoove you to train at high elevation or get there a few days earlier.  (I got their Friday night, my buddies got there Thursday night).
2.  The bike course and the run course are minimally shaded, out there in the open.  Wearing sunblock will only help so much, to truly be sunburn free you will have to cover your shoulders.
3. Practice biking hills!
4. Their is a bus shuttle and a bike shuttle!  I have used the bike shuttle and there was a scratch or two on my bike after each time, if you are very particular about your bike you may prefer bringing it yourself.  The bus shuttle is nice because race start is about 30 minutes by care from Sunriver at the Wikiup reservoir.  We had a very nice shuttle driver in our buddy Ryan but you have resources available if you want to get there way early or not disturb a family member.
5. TOT FRIENDLY!  Sunriver has safe, paved and (supervised by Sunriver safety employees if you get lost) bike path's, a water park, a grocery store, shopping, restaurants, playgrounds, condos, etc.  If you have kids, there is lots to do!
6. Split up your transition bags for race day!  Then you need zero double checking day of.
7. It's hard BUT so doable.
8.  The swim is a two-looper, just FYI.  You will be passed by later waves.  I do not love this...I do not hate this...it just is...
9. Have support to shuttle you to pick up your stuffs, you will be tired and the pick up closes round 2 pm.