When Beth and I thought through how I would share my adventure we decided a weekly post would be frequent enough to capture the various emotions - good and bad - that I experienced while implementing a fitness plan. I always knew that this blog would acknowledge that where I was starting on my fitness regimen was largely based in having recently undergone a personal upheaval with the divorce. However, somehow I saw myself as being able to put a wall between the two - my divorce and the feelings about how that has impacted my life on one side and my health and the feelings that go along with working toward living a whole, healthy life especially after a traumatic event, on the other.
Well it's not that simple. There is no wall. The two are so inextricably linked that I can't deal with the feelings behind one without also dealing with the feelings about the other. So in my last post, two-and-a-half weeks ago, I mentioned that I was dealing with some emotional challenges and went on to describe the role that the physical pain played in that. Since that post I haven't been able to write anything without feeling like it would be too personal, too painful emotionally, and too intrusive to have just anyone reading this blog know about.
Grief is a winding road with a number of twists and turns. Eight months after pushing the eject button on my life in Atlanta, I still feel like my feet get swept out from under me by emotions that seem to bubble up out of nowhere. Or I'll find that I have very powerful reactions to things that, at this point, have no bearing on my life.
My intention with this is not to be all vague and cryptic to leave people who know me guessing what may or may not be going on. My intent is to let you know that sometimes I don't make my self-imposed weekly deadline because I cannot write without a massive over-share that ultimately would leave me feeling too exposed. At the same time, I really can't talk about the experience of Rolfing without talking about feelings so this is actually a (long) good tie in to that adventure.
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| This is Little Guy, my cat. This is also a metaphor for what I've been doing the last two weeks. |
I talked about the pain that really had me reeling physically and emotionally a few weeks back. Beth told me from the beginning that I was likely going to need to financially invest in my health as part of this experience but I assumed she meant a gym membership or signing up for classes. It never occurred to me that I would NEED a deep tissue massage or NEED someone to help loosen me up to move forward without pain. So to maximize my return on investment in treatment, Beth (being a physical therapist) really spent a lot of time thinking about the best path for my specific needs. While the pain was presenting itself in my feet, she was confident that the issue could be traced all the way up to my hips and muscle tightness and fascia issues were the cause, so we went with Rolfing.
To backtrack a little, I have had foot problems since high school soccer. I have also had stress management/anxiety problems since high school soccer (actually long before that). About two years ago, when I was living in Chicago, the emotional stress (that I was oblivious to at the time) began to express itself again but this time in my right leg. I was knitting in front of the TV and realized that I was clenching that leg at the hip. Clench, release. Clench, release. It was pretty much constant and I couldn't make myself stop. I still catch myself doing it when I'm worrying about something or feeling anxious.
So years later that brings us to Rolfing. I didn't really understand what rolfing was, even after I looked it up on Wikipedia, until I went. What I see now is that rolfers look at your body holistically and recognize imbalances that can create problems further down the line and work to address them by rebuilding fascia. Fascia is kind of like the white stuff that you see when you are preparing chicken - it's a membrane that holds things together. Kim Tillman, the great physical therapist and rolfer that Beth sent me to says more about it on her website.
The rolfing process is split into a 10 session series, with each session working specific areas. There is no requirement for how frequently you go (I'll be going every three to four weeks) but after the 10 sessions, they recommend strongly you wait 6 months to a year before you begin another rolfing series. After that point you can do a three-session maintenance series to keep from regressing.
When I got to Kim's office we sat down and discussed my issues - physical and emotional. She immediately thought she could see some imbalance based on how I was sitting but needed to look more carefully. Really, the experience felt like a lighter deep tissue massage. The first session targeted my arms, chest, hamstrings, and back. She focused on loosening up the fascia in those areas which can tear and regrow in ways that limit your flexibility. By massaging it out, fascia re-forms and lengthens to allow you to move more freely and achieve better balance in your shoulders, hips, etc.
Working through each of the areas she immediately saw posture issues at the shoulders and pointed to how my shoulders and neck were aligned forward from sitting at a computer all day. She also found a lot of tension in my hips, hamstrings, and back. Working that out hurt. Like the massage I had at the Turkish bath in Istanbul - that kind of awesome hurt. But I felt better afterwards and while my foot still bothered me the next day I think that this will definitely help in the long run.
So this is where the feelings part comes in. One of the things we talked about is muscle memory. The concept that muscles can hold pent up feelings that emerge when the muscle is released. Kim said that she never believed that until she started to notice that she felt irritable after she would get a massage or do yoga. It finally dawned on her that she bottles up a lot of anger and that by releasing those muscles she was releasing that pent up anger as well. She went on to say that it's a lot like dusting your house - you can't dust without stirring stuff up. My doctor-therapist rolled her eyes when I told her that and said she saw it more as a result of synapses being connected to muscles and information being stored there. Regardless of how it happens, both saw validity in the concept and so do I.
I have experienced a lot of feelings this past week mostly centered on anger. The anger kicked in the day after my rolfing session when I was leaving one yoga class and then again during a second yoga class. There were also some other things throughout the week that really kicked that anger up a notch.
I don't deal with anger well. I bottle it up until it physically hurts in my chest or I'll get so mad that I cry. I have traditionally had no clue how to let it out.
This is where emotional intertwines with fitness. Exercise has been an enormous outlet for anger. Monday night I went to kickboxing and punched and kicked and punched and kicked until I couldn't punch or kick anymore. I came home exhausted but calm. Tuesday the anger was back and I was supposed to do a 25 minute walk but it felt so good to go out and stomp around the neighborhood that I was gone for an hour. Wednesday I did my hill walk and again stomped out the anger. Every time I worked out and really pushed myself, I was physically exhausted but felt so much better.
Today I feel much more at peace. I'm calm and have perspective and feel good. This emotional wave appears to have passed. But I know there will be another one. As I said, grief is not a straight line. It will probably catch me off guard the next time as well. But each time I fall, I seem to overcome the emotional strain more quickly and exercise gives me an outlet that helps things not feel as painful as they would have otherwise.
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| Lyrics from a song I love "Your Ex-Lover Is Dead" by Stars |
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