The key is to develop the behavior, habits, and system that is not only effective but works for you. Cathy shares some belief patterns that she is overcoming as she continues with her journey!
When I was in college I used to go to Taco Bell and order one value meal for me and then pretend to forget what my "friend" wanted before ordering a second value meal (for me) and an extra taco (also for me). I would get home and go to my room and just gorge. When I was done, surrounded by wrappers, the guilt and shame would set in.
I went on my first diet when I was 11. It was the summer between 5th and 6th grade and I didn't want to be "the fat girl" when I started Middle School. I was sick of being teased by this mean girl in school and tired of feeling so anxious and insecure about everything.
My first diet was really strict - no snacks or second helpings at meals and I had to exercise 60 minutes every day (biking or jogging) no matter how much I didn't want to (even if the idea of exercise made me cry). From my perspective, at the time, it was a success. I lost so much weight that one of my friend's moms suggested to my mom that I was anorexic.
So here I am trying to get healthy and telling you all how well that's going. In doing that I'm really only telling you half of the story. The exercise is going well. I'm enjoying walks and yoga and I'm working through a lot of stress and frustration and powerful emotions at the same time.
But food is a problem and weight loss begins in the kitchen.
I started month two by tracking everything I ate. When I lost weight several years ago I tracked my calories and it worked really well. But that was so long ago that I had forgotten what a difference writing everything down makes. I have the MyFitnessPal app and find it super useful. It seriously has calories for everything and you can even scan things. And that's great because I focus on portion control using a food scale and monitor my snacking. I have even lost five pounds this month just from refocusing on food.
But here's the problem. The binges haven't stopped. Neither has the obsessive behavior that accompanies losing weight for me. I'm not sneaking out to Taco Bell and binging alone (although I do tend to sneak in the kitchen and steal cookies when nobody is looking which is odd behavior for an adult) but if I end up at an ice cream shop you can bet that I'll end up with a waffle cone in my hand and two scoops of moose tracks piled on. It's like this compulsion where pressure (probably stress) builds up and at a certain point I have to eat until I can't feel feelings.
I also don't want to be forced to track everything I eat for the rest of my life because it fuels my obsessive need to control every bite. It feeds into the "food is a reward/punishment" mindset I carry with me which ends up looking in my head, a lot like the "no more wire hangers" scene in Mommie Dearest.
Instead, I want to eyeball correct portions. I want to make good choices when I eat out. I want to just put whole, healthy food in my system. I don't want to let emotions fuel my eating.
So normally I like to end my posts with some big "aha" moment. Unfortunately I can't do that this week. I don't have this figured out. I don't know how to control the urges or obsessive micromanagement of food. But I do take some comfort in my ability to see the problem. I guess the last time I tried to lose weight (which is different from my 'get healthy' mindset today) I didn't see an issue with my control issues around what I ate. I didn't let myself think about the binging because it made me feel ashamed. By recognizing the problem I can at least start to figure it out.
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